Abbreviated week

Guys, it is one of those weeks. I am tired. I am unmotivated. I fell asleep on the bus this morning, despite getting plenty of sleep last night. I haven't edited my new photos for the shop or sewn that skirt I've been meaning to get around to for the last month or cooked anything amazing. Our apartment is messy and every evening I get home from work and think about cleaning it and then decide to hide in our (unmade) bed and eat peanut butter out of the jar instead.

I used to call this lazy, but I've rebranded it and now I refer to it as dormant. What I've realized is that we all work differently. I like to operate at 110% capacity 80% of the time and then spend the rest of my time doing absolutely nothing. D prefers to operate at a slightly lower intensity all of the time, thus avoiding the need to completely collapse every so often. We basically get the same amount done, so clearly our systems work.

I like being super efficient and multitasking like a mad woman. It's satisfying. It lets me get a lot done. And I can go for days or weeks or months before I start feeling sluggish, like I'm pushing through instead of powering through. For the most part, I don't want to just push through my life.

So I pay attention and if possible, I give myself permission to stop almost entirely for a day or so. I explain to D that I'm taking a break and cannot be asked to make any decisions about anything, including meals. Then I lie in bed and re-read books I love. I let my mind wander. I refuse to feel guilty.* I mean, I still have to go to work, because it's hard to explain the dormant state to your boss, but I feel no obligation to do anything at home. And after a day or two (or sometimes just a few hours of hard napping), I suddenly find myself wanting to do all these things again.**

Some of you are probably thinking that this sounds like a totally crazy and dysfunctional cycle. It kind of is, but it works for me so I'm embracing it. I'll be back on Monday, hopefully all recharged.

* This method only works if I erase the guilt as completely as possible. If I lie in bed and feel guilty about it, I just find myself getting more and more exhausted and weighed down. Not recommended.

** Works best for me if the dormancy is as concentrated as possible. If I go half assed and try to keep getting stuff done while fitting in convenient naps and such, I can feel sluggish and unmotivated for weeks. I require a full on disconnect for a brief period of time.